The Cookie Problem | Verso.ink

The Cookie Problem

By Linda Hogenson

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Octember 11, 2056

Dear Supreme Ruler of the World,

Concerning the matter of your taking over the world, I strongly recommend (because… you always listen to me, apparently) you do not use cookies as currency. While I come to you as your economic advisor, you don’t need a degree in economics to see my initial concerns.

If cookies are currency, just think of all the money hoarders that’ll have years of cookies collected in their vault. Think of the smell! And think of the cookie monsters who will be poor because they eat all their cookies. Just think. You will be the emperor of the world, and you will be poor because you eat all your cookies.

The value of a cookie will go down if it decays and crumbles. It will go down if it just crumbles! And how does one determine the proper value of a cookie in the first place?

The least valuable kind of currency comes from a perishable source. You can only trade a banana, for example, for about a week before no one wants it anymore. As Supreme Emperor, you may believe you can force the people to accept old cookies, but a currency system only works if the people believe it has value. By trying to force the people, you will only succeed in destroying their faith in the value of cookies. Then comes the cookie problem.

First, people no longer care about cookies. Then, people stop making cookies. And finally, there are no more cookies. And cookie monster is sad because he has no cookies and you are sad because you have no friends. For the record, I will also be sad that there are no more cookies.

Assuming you can somehow avoid the cookie problem, we still need to consider what is to be done with old cookies. Perhaps they will become the most valuable currency because no one will eat them. But what about when they pass into the fuzzy stages and are no longer recognizable as cookies? The cookies will lose their value. Rich men will become poor overnight.

Finally, there’s the problem of producing cookies. If cookies become currency, the entire population will want to become bakers. When the entire population consists of bakers, everyone will be rich, nothing else will get done, and soon everyone will be dead. I am sorry. Man cannot live on cookies alone. Even if you are the Supreme Emperor.

In conclusion, I will bow to whatever decision you make, Supreme Emperor… but seriously. Don’t use cookies as currency.

I propose, instead, that you use cookies as tax. Your reign as emperor will be much greater. And (hopefully) much shorter.

Sincerely,

Me

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About Linda Hogenson

I've written fantasy since I could write and have created stories since I could think. I grew up in a world of dragons and myth, and sometimes I tell people I know I am secretly the Empress of a distant land. While no one will bow to me on the streets, I'm still empowered by the vision of the way the world could be, and I will always defend it.

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